Archive for the 'Intros' Category

SEC101

It’s that time, Sports Fans! It’s almost football season. As a Public Service, I am posting my SEC101 that I wrote in order to bring my Smurf City beau up to speed on REAL football. Thought I’d share it with you. I make no apologies for any bias in my writing. It is, after all, about the greatest football Conference in human history, warts and all.

SEC101 (in Alphabetical order):

The University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, Alabama (AKA Aladamnbama or Bama) The Crimson Tide (but somehow they got represented by an elephant in graphics). Fans known as “Bammers” by the rest of the Conference. Proof that, like maggots, it’s possible to live off a dead Bear for 30 years. Colors are crimson and white. Houndstooth patterns, made popular by Bear Bryant’s signature hat, are also common. Rival is Auburn University. Home is Bryant-Denny Stadium (101,821).

University of Arkansas, Fayetteville, Arkansas. (AKA “Arky”). Officially the Razorbacks, but also known as the Hogs, sometimes spelled Hawgs. Defected from the Southwestern Conference in 1991. Still waiting for its first SEC Conference Championship Game (SECCCG) win. Colors are Red and White. Rival is LSU. Most home games are played in Fayetteville’s Razorback Stadium (78,000), but games against LSU and Mississippi State are played at War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock (54,000).

Auburn University, Auburn, Alabama (AKA “The Barn”) The Tigers or the Plainsmen (but represented by a golden eagle, who provides their rallying cry of “War Eagle”). Proof that you CAN be schizophrenic and still kick ass in football. Colors are blue and orange. Rival is Bama. Home is Jordan (pronounced JER-dan)-Hare Stadium (87,451).

The University of Florida, Gainesville, Florida. The Gators. Highest concentration of jorts in the Western Hemisphere. Colors are blue and orange. The “chomp” is simply a two-handed version of non-Conference rival Florida State University’s tomahawk chop. Loved by its fans, hated by everyone else. Home is officially Ben Hill Griffin Stadium (88,548), but is much better known as “The Swamp.”

The University of Georgia, Athens, Georgia. The Bulldogs, but spelled “Bulldawgs” or “Dawgs” by the faithful. The oldest state university in the US, founded in 1785. Coach Mark Richt (affectionately abbreviated to CMR) is considered not only a outstanding coach, but an all-around good guy. Colors are red and black. When greeted with a loud “How ’bout them Dawgs?” the correct response is an equally loud “Them Dawgs is hell, ain’t they?” New mascot UGA IX makes his debut this season. Home is Sanford Stadium (92,746)

The University of Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky. The Wildcats, or Cats. Deafeningly silent during football season, but more than makes up for it with cries of “Fear the Cat” once basketball season starts. Infamously fired Bear Bryant after basketball coach Adolf Rupp complained about the inordinate amount of attention being shown the football team–just because they were actually winning games. Colors are blue and white. Home is Commonwealth Stadium (67,606).

Louisiana State University, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. The Tigers. Abbreviation is LSU, but is known by other teams as “LSWho” or “Loser State.” Perfect season in 2012 shattered by Bama in the National Championship game despite beating Bama during regular season conference play. Rallying cry is “Who Dat,” for reasons unknown. Tiger Stadium (92,542) deemed most unfriendly locale for visiting teams in the country, especially if it’s a night game. Signs reading “Geaux Tigers” are legion. Colors are purple and gold. Despite the mutual season spoilage with Bama, rivals are actually Arky and Florida.

University of Mississippi, Oxford Mississippi. The Rebels. More commonly known as “Ole Miss.” Area known as “The Grove” on campus is not only considered the best tailgating in the Conference by its fans, but by many visiting teams’ fans as well. Most unjustly maligned team in the SEC. Not because of football–they aspire to mediocrity in that department–but because of their adherence to storied tradition by the diverse local and college community in the face of busybodies who’ve never set foot in Oxford. Most noted casualty was “Colonel Reb,” beloved mascot, in 2003. A campaign to choose a new mascot in 2009 went viral on the Internet and became the subject of a 5-minute feature on ESPN when a student organized an effort to make Star Wars’ Rebel leader Admiral Akbar the new mascot. The bid died when Steven Spielberg refused to allow licensing to the University, and a unanimously-hated black bear was forced on the fans by UM admins, who have since been driven from the University. Speed limit on campus is 17 mph, in honor of favorite son Archie Manning’s number. Colors are red and blue. Rival is Mississippi State. Sometimes called “Ole Piss” when disparaging is considered to be worth the effort. Home is Vaught-Hemingway Stadium (60,580).

Mississippi State University, Starkville, Mississippi. You can’t get there from here (or from anywhere else). The OTHER Bulldogs. Known as “Moo U” by fans of rival Ole Miss, but no one else really bothers. Colors are maroon and white. Home is Davis Wade Stadium (55,082).

University of Missouri, Columbia, Missouri. The Tigers (again?) AKA “Mizzou,” but “Mizz-ery” is also used by non-fans. Joins the Conference in 2012 for reasons the rest of the Conference is still trying to figure out. Even more head-scratching was their placement in the East Division. Colors are black and gold. Rivalry to be determined. Home is Faurot Field (71,004)

University of South Carolina, Columbia, South Carolina. The Gamecocks, or Cocks. Women’s teams known as the “Lady Cocks.” Considered to be chicken by the rest of the Conference. The Original “USC,” having claimed that monogram in 1801, when California was still a Spanish backwater. The last meeting between the two USC’s resulted in an epic student-created sign in the stadium: “No Trojans can hold our Cocks.” Joined the SEC in 1991 as an independent school. Despite having being led by the likes of Lou Holtz and Steve Spurrier, has yet to win a SECCCG. Main rival is non-Conference Clemson University, but consider Georgia, Tennessee, and Florida to be rivalries as well. Colors are garnet and black. Home is Williams-Bryce Stadium (80,250).

University of Tennessee, Knoxville, Tennessee. Home town known as ObKnoxville by non-fans. The Volunteers, or “Vols” for short. Band only knows one song, “Rocky Top,” and will play it at the drop of a hat. They will even play it if the hat DOESN’T drop. Also known for outlandish orange-and-white checkerboards in their end zones, and still can’t get past the shadow of former coach Phillip Fulmer’s beer gut, although current coach Derek Dooley’s devotion to orange pants is also the stuff of nightmares. A movement to convince alum Peyton Manning to leave the NFL and take a coaching position gains momentum with every Vol loss. Fans still cry “Go Big Orange” (abbreviated to “GBO”), however. Biggest rival is Florida, but games against cross-state conference team Vanderbilt are becoming less and less lopsided. Colors are orange and white, in case they haven’t already made that abundantly clear. Home is Neyland Stadium (102,455)

Texas A&M University, College Station, Texas. The Aggies, or Ags. Mascot is Reville, a collie (I’ve met her). She is the highest-ranking member of the Corps of Cadets, and is assigned to a Cadet Corporal (being chosen is one of the highest honors available), who is her constant companion, including attending his classes. If “Miss Rev” barks during class, the class is immediately dismissed. If she jumps on a bed, the student who has that bed sleeps on the floor until she chooses to get off. Joining the Conference in 2012. Steeped in tradition and should be a good fit, despite the stretch in geography. Expected to renew the dormant SWC rivalry with Arkansas and to intensify the long-standing rivalry with LSU, although not expected to be a Conference power unless the alumni (known as “Former Students”) release their death-grip on the Athletic Department. Not likely to happen, since they didn’t for Bear Bryant when he coached there. They have “yell leaders,” not cheerleaders, and they are all men. It is considered heresy by fans to sit during a game, as all consider themselves to be the team’s “12th Man,” ready to suit up and take the field if needed. Colors are maroon and white. Home is Kyle Field (82,589), which is considered sacred ground. A member of the Corps of Cadets once rushed (with saber drawn) a Southern Methodist cheerleader who had unknowingly stepped onto the turf.

Vanderbilt University, Nashville, Tennessee. AKA “Vandy.” The only private college in the Conference. Called the “Commodores,” or “Dores” in honor of Commodore Cornelius Vanderbilt, who founded the school. Known as the “Commodes” by those who think trash talk is worth the effort. Although a member of the SEC since its founding in 1932, has never won a Conference Championship in football. Main foe is cross-state rival Tennessee. Colors are gold and black. Home is Dudley Field (39,790).

Since the 1991 Conference expansion, there have been two divisions. East Division teams are Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Vanderbilt. West Division teams are Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, LSU, Ole Miss, Miss. St, and TAMU. The winner of each division (determined by regular season W-L record) plays in the SECCCG, played in the Georgia Dome in Atlanta since 1994 (the first 2 games were played at Birmingham’s Legion Field). Winners of the SECCCG have been Florida (7 wins in 10 appearances), Bama (3 wins in 7 appearances), LSU (4 wins in 5 appearances), Tennessee (2 wins in 5 appearances), Auburn and Georgia (each with 2 wins in 4 appearances). Arkansas has appeared 3 times, and Mississippi State and S. Carolina have each appeared once, but have never won.

Terra Incognita

For the first time in nearly a quarter of a century, I’m dating again.  I myself cannot believe I’m saying it.  When my marriage ended, I thought for sure it’d be years before I’d even consider letting a man in my life.  The last thing I wanted to do was to give up any of the sweet freedom I had desired, coveted, dreamed of for so long.

Then I met this incredible person.  I really wasn’t looking.  I was bored and web surfing one night when I found him.  We got to talking.  We chatted some more.  And more.  And even more.  We then decided to meet.  I chose the place.  I chose badly.  Once upon a time it had been casual dining, but it had just undergone a major overhaul and become trendy.  A little too foo-foo for a down-to-earth kind of guy.  Still, the chemistry transcended my unfortunate choice of dining establishments.

After years of being put down and trampled upon, this gentleman lifts me up.  Instead of making me feel like dung, he makes me feel like a queen.  He thinks he’s difficult to be close to–he has no idea what I had to put up with for the past half of my life.   Well, that’s not entirely true.  He’s seen me when ugly scenes in movies hit a little too close to home and bring up awful memories. He’s held me as he gently coaxed a cathartic purging of all the pain, doubt, and defeat I hid inside for so long.  That’s the beauty of this guy.  He is the one person in my life around whom I don’t have to be strong, tough, or “one of the guys.”  I adore him for that.

He’s generous beyond measure and sweet.  He can tell me when he needs his space without being petty and condescending.  The last person I lived with couldn’t tell me to pass the salt without being petty and condescending.  As for me, I’m learning how to be close to someone who isn’t needy.  It is a learning process.  He is understanding and encouraging, though, and in the process of teaching me how to enter the life of a self-styled “feral,” he is making me a better person.

My mom and dad have met him and don’t give me grief, so I take that as a good sign.  The kids haven’t met him yet, but that is more because of inability to coordinate hectic schedules than anything else.  It is interesting how the kids react, though.  Joe has already accepted him.  They’ve heard each other via the speakerphone in my car.  Joe was won the minute he found out about the motorcycle that bears a word that is a recurring theme in his favorite theatrical song–the one he’s always longed to perform.  He was also grateful for the assistance and support in starting Joe’s new passion:  a bass guitar.  Tina is quietly happy for me, but in truth I think she is much too busy with her own life to think too terribly much about mine.

Alex, though, is reserved because he hasn’t met this new man in my life.  He is Rottweiler-protective.  I can’t really say I blame him.  He and I have spent his entire life protecting each other.  When I had no one else’s shoulder to cry on about the bad times over the years, I cried on his.  He cried on mine in the days before he towered over me.  We have always been each other’s lifeline and old habits die hard.  He’s still gotta protect his momma.  I love him for that.  It is a gift money can only cheapen and tarnish.

Where will this go?  Who knows.  I dare not even label it for fear of going too far too fast.  I am content to take it one day at a time; sometimes, only one phone call or email at a time.  I do know, though, that hearing from him always makes me smile.  His touch sends me into the stratosphere.  And when I’m with him–whether on the phone, emailing/chatting back and forth, or actually in each other’s presence, there’s no place I’d rather be.  And it’s a wonderful feeling indeed.

Who IS this “Cat O’ Nine Tales”?

Welcome to my blog! I’m not just a crazy cat lady, but a person of many interests and, as always, the lover of a good story (as I hope my title implies)! As time goes by and I continue to post, you will learn more about me (my friends from the chat room probably know too much about me already, but that is a Tale for another day).

While yes, my friends, it is a free Internet out there (except for the $500+ for the computer, the $19.95/month for the internet connection, the ungodly monthly sacrifices to the electric company…well, you get the idea), please keep in mind that this is MY little corner of cyberspace–MINE! Therefore, I make the rules. I am the Princepa, the Imperatrix, and the Basilea. Alea jacta est.

Still my rules are those any one who lives in what pretends to be a civilized society should already know well:

  1. KEEP IT CLEAN! This is paramount. You may disagree with me until Armageddon, and I will welcome an erudite verbal sparring, but PLEASE use the modicum of intelligence and good sense it takes to refrain from using vulgarities! Yes, I will use a few PG-13 words from time to time, but using the F-word is the quickest way to get banned from here that exists. I won’t abide it or tolerate it. If you want to show off the latest vulgarity you learned, go somewhere else.
  2. DON’T FLAME THE POSTERS! By all means, if you disagree with a poster, express your disagreement, just do it in a civilized manner. Keep in mind Ambrose Bierce’s definition of diplomacy: “…telling someone to ‘go to Hell’ in such a manner that he actually looks forward to the trip.” I appreciate quality of words over quantity. (My chat room friends are ROFL at this point!)
  3. THE GOLDEN RULE ROCKS! In case you are not familiar with Matthew 7:12, let me sum it up for you: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” I’m just doing the drill sergeant bit here while I’m setting up my house rules. This is my house and my rules. In your house, I will respect and obey your rules. I promise.

I think that pretty much sets the ground rules. Now let’s have some fun!


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