An Open Letter

To the guy in the white Toyota Tundra pick-up behind me on FM 109 yesterday evening:

I saw what you did, you sorry scuzbag.  I watched the whole thing in my rear-view mirror.  I, my son and daughter, and my daughter’s friend were in my beloved RaggTopp heading home just after 7:30 yesterday evening.  The sun hadn’t set yet and visibility was perfect, so don’t try some lame excuse about not seeing things clearly–pilots can’t ask for better conditions than I had for viewing.  Not only that, but I had the top down, so there were no blind spots.  The error, you butchering bulldozer, was yours.

Just before that last big turn on the outskirts of New Ulm, I saw a hump on my side of the two lane highway.  I wasn’t sure what it was, but my instincts said “turtle,” and I made a correction to the right side of my lane–giving you plenty of time to see my maneuver and act accordingly.  Sure enough, as I passed by, I saw the turtle’s distinctive head arched up curiously.  “Whew,” I thought,  “at least I’ve given the guy behind me enough time to see this coming, too.”  I looked in the mirror to watch you also safely by-pass the crossing turtle.

Except that didn’t happen, did it, you malicious bastard.  No, I could do nothing but watch in horror as you steered all right–AT THE TURTLE.  You know your truck well, I’ll give you that.  You knew just where to put that left front tire so that not only would you crush that curious turtle head, you would shoot the shell up several feet in the air and skip it across the opposite lane in a sick version of tiddly-winks.  Forgive me, you are probably too Neanderthal to understand what “tiddly-winks” are.  You know it as a drinking game:  “quarters.”  You knew just how to give that poor creature, who doubtfully has ever caused you any harm in your miserable existence, the most horrifying, excrutiating, ingratiating death possible.  Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls, you hippopotamic land mass (thanks, Westley, for that apropos appellation).

And then, as I look on in horror and focus on your front license plate (thanks, Texas, for requiring plates on front and back), what do I see mounted above it–“VOLUNTEER FIREFIGHTER”!  Don’t get me started, you pectorally-hirsute hypocrite!  A firefighter is someone who defends life, not wantonly deprives it.  A volunteer is someone who gives, not someone who takes for no reason than his own perverse pleasure.  I so want to call you a sorry SOB, but I’ve never met a dog that deserves having you for a son, and I am not a dog person.

Don’t think I’m one of those PETA psychos, either.  I have no use for their militancy or their misguided convictions.  I hunt, I fish, I’ve even ranched–the difference is I eat or wear what I kill (as appropriate).  I have no qualms with killing the varmints that tear up my pastureland and lawn or hunt my pets–and I’m a very good shot.  I own not one, but two furs and wear them proudly on the few occasions when I can.  The poor creature who had to die so that I can wear them?  My grandmother.

What you did, though, wasn’t feeding your family or protecting your property.  You did it “for kicks.”  Maybe the other slug in your cab double-dog-dared you or bet you couldn’t.  Who knows?  Who cares?  This much I know, one day, you will face the One who created not only your sorry behind, but the creature you wantonly destroyed as well.  He’s the One you’ll to whom you’ll have to answer.  I just pray that He will allow me to be there as a witness.  In the meantime, if my house should ever (God forbid!) catch fire, don’t bother coming.  Your kind of “help,” I won’t need.  I just hope you can get the help you obviously DO need.  Try the yellow pages under “Physicians–psychiatry.”

Most Sincerely,

The lady in the blue convertible.


5 Responses to “An Open Letter”

  1. 1 paulajeanne July 22, 2008 at 10:43 pm

    I hope this was published in a local paper so that the jerk would see it? Did you get the license number too? I probably would have posted that too.

  2. 2 Jennifer July 23, 2008 at 8:41 am

    Having been spending entirely too much time on South Texas highways this week, this doesn’t surprise me in the least. At least it wouldn’t in the Houston area. Still sickens me.

  3. 3 gatakitty July 24, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    To abangforabuck and all his/her ilk:

    I deleted your comments because they contained no intelligent debate, only vitriol and personal attacks based on a free right I choose to exercise about which you disagree. You more than made your point to me, but it is clear you neglected to read my rules. Go back to my first post and read s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y. A good dictionary may also be advisable.

    Bottom line: my blog, my rules. You are indeed free to disagree all you want as long as you respect my house. Since you twice chose to stomp cyber-mud throughout mine, I have spammed you. If you are incapable of making any intelligent debate (as your two attempts at posting tend to indicate), form your own blog. Then you can be as asinine as you like.

  4. 4 Instinct July 30, 2008 at 9:27 am

    This, and the post from abangforabuck, falls under my rule of “So many assholes, so little time”

  5. 5 gatakitty July 31, 2008 at 9:21 am


    I can always count on you to put things into perspective, o Benevolent and Protective Wingleader!

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